youve got all the friends you need;

i know i shouldn't be feeling this way.

but i'm taken aback by the way my stomach turns when i see the letters you used to write me. and how my head screams when i think of the great times we had. i can't throw the stuff out. i keep my gbf shirt in my bottom drawer so i don't have to see it anymore. but i just can't bear to throw it out.

some days i just get so down and depressed and my mind drifts. i can't block all of this out when i'm too tired to. i know i'm supposed to block it out. but it's so damn hard. and a part of me doesn't want to forget. it freaks me out how i can't stop this from exploding in my head once in a while.

i don't know if i feel hurt, but i'm frustrated. i'm getting used to it but i'm far from being okay with it. if you'd just not be so indifferent and treat me like i exist it wouldn't be so hard. but it's my fault anyway.

i don't hate you. i don't even dislike you. in fact i still want to be your friend. i can't comprehend what i feel about this whole damn thing. and it annoys me. it's all within myself and i know i shouldn't be thinking about it and i'm supposed to filter it out.

i know what i'm supposed to do but things are really easier said and done. sometimes i'm scared of free time. and i'm afraid of being alone. i miss feeling secure. i'm shaken. and it's building up so much i think i might just explode with emotions. i feel so sick of myself.

so there you have it. my heart is on my sleeve. i'll regret this and i might just take this off later. but it'll be a reminder. this is exactly how i feel. i'm tired of people telling me how i should feel. i sometimes feel like being immature. you're mature. you know exactly what to say and do. you're smart like that.

i know it's only because they care, and i love them for that. but i want to be happy now please. and not just HAPPYYYYY yay but truly happy.

i need to find happiness for myself. i'm holding on, it only matters whether you take my hand or not.